Learning to love has been a process with a lot of lessons along the way. Here is one of the most difficult, yet most liberating:
Moving from “I am yours and you are mine” to “I am you and you are me”. This was a major challenge, in part because it flies in the face of most of our cultures. Whether in family, work, or social relationships, we tend to embrace an ownership model. “I would never let my <whoever> do that!” or “<whoever> better do that if they know what’s good for them.” Rather than inviting this other person to understand and play a cooperative role in meeting wants and needs without blame and shame, the model is one of coercion and punishment. “Make me happy or I’ll make you pay”.
I’m most guilty of applying this model with my kids, in part because there are so many situations where I perceive that a result “needs” to be achieved (like getting them to school on time), and simply don’t know how to make more cooperative methods work where the other person simply does not want to cooperate, or even value cooperation except when it meets their agenda. I’ve used the win-lose model in other relationships as well, rarely with results that I would consider good or healthy for anyone involved. (Except the dogs. Even through 5K or so years of domestication from wolves, they still need the pack hierarchy in their social relationships.)
This flip side of this ownership model is exemplified by sacrificial giving. Give until it hurts, and then do it again, because it’s a noble sacrifice. Exhaust your resources because others are more important and take precedent over the self. In a nuclear family, this pressure is applied in different ways to men vs women, but is strongly applied to both. In some cultures, it is applied to the kids as well, but less so in ours. In my opinion, the toll that this takes on relationships is disastrous. In our own ways, we reach burnout points and are left with nowhere to turn – you’re already doing “the solution”, so that can’t be the problem. You’re too weak. You’re the problem. You fail.
What’s missing is the recognition that you and I are integral parts of the same system. Some describe this as “seeing ourselves reflected in others”, which is one aspect of it. It also refers to loving and accepting ourselves as we are. Not that things can’t or don’t need to change. Growth is integral and continuous. More that our current progress on the journey is the place that we’re at. It’s the only place we can be in this moment. And it’s not where we’ll be in the next moment or were in the moment prior.
Part of learning to meet needs cooperatively has also required recognizing which ones cannot be met by another person – because the core issue does not lie outside, but inside. For example, I got married so that I wouldn’t be alone. When I was alone, a lot of unhealthy thinking was intensified. If I’m not alone, problem solved, right? Yeah, no. Problem thinly veiled for periods of time. Problem gets worse. (I did the same with work, school, and other activities, but less directly.)
Once I realized that distraction wasn’t the solution, I had to grapple with the reality that I didn’t like or accept who I was and had condemned myself as flawed and not really worth being loved (if I let them know me as I am instead of the illusion I think they want to see).
When you possess other people, you don’t really love them. You use them to distract from real issues or blame them when it just isn’t enough to cover things up.
So the lesson? Learn to love yourself. Not in place of others, or more than others, but as a part of others. And them as part of you.
And yes. I’m still VERY much in the process of learning and applying this daily.