This is a post on what I am learning about Non-Violent Communication (NVC). You can find an introduction to NVC in a previous post.
The first step in the NVC process is to Observe. When I saw this, I thought, “Great! As a software engineer, I’m already a trained observer! No problem.” As usual, there is more to it than first impressions.
In his book, Marshall introduced me to the concept of observation without evaluation. In other words, “Just the facts, ma’am.” Here are some examples of observations that have evaluations mixed in:
- I didn’t get enough. (“enough” is an evaluation of how much you got, rather than an observation of what you got.)
- She just blew up at me! (This is my interpretation of what she did, not an actual observation of what she did. It also implies that her action, or reaction, was not justified, which is also an evaluation on my part.)
- He won’t stay focussed on his work. (Here I’m implying that I know his intentions and choices, which I don’t based on the information given here.)
- They are constantly complaining. (There are actually two issues here. My use of “constantly” is probably an exaggeration. I need to be more specific if possible. Also, my claim that they are complaining is an evaluation. I need to step back and report what actions they are taking that I interpret as complaining.)
- He got mad and started yelling. (I’ve observed that he started yelling, although truthfully this is just my interpretation of his tone and body language. Rather, he raised his voice and maybe started waving his arms around. Saying that he got mad is just my interpretation.)
Now, you may be thinking, “Well, what if it was obvious that he was angry, or that i didn’t get enough??” Some of these statements may be factually correct if all the factors could be known, but I’m surprised at how often we are wrong. It took a long time for my wife and I to understand that there were a range of things she might observe in me that would lead her to conclude that I was angry. Often, I wasn’t. It just looked that way to her. Think about the last time that you were misunderstood, either your intentions or your actions. Those are cases where another person made an observation, mixed in their evaluation, and they were wrong.
We all tend to look at what other people do at least partially from our own perspective, given what we have experienced, what we believe, and what we value. Learning to observe without evaluation is a valuable step in the process of understanding another person from THEIR perspective rather than from our own.
Another reason to separate observation from evaluation is that all the things that go into our evaluation are more effectively addressed by the rest of the NVC process. We aren’t simply ignoring them, but we do find another way to express them that is more likely to result in the kind of change that we want.