Recently on Facebook, I mentioned that this year’s theme will be “The Abolition of Shame”. I wasn’t sure what kind of response it would get because so many people either don’t even recognize shame, or think it is entirely appropriate. A friend of mine from jr. high school, who I’ve observed as a brilliant and creative thinker, responded, “So you won’t be using phrases like, ‘Shame on you!’ ?”
I thought about this over the weekend, and finally put down a few thoughts. There is so much more to be written on this, but here’s how I responded.
Well, “Shame on you” has never been part of my repertoire, but no, I won’t. Similarly, statements like, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself!” are, in my opinion, incredibly violent emotionally.
The whole concept of shame is that, according to some standard, we *ought* not be who we are right now. Some people would argue that shame refers to what we do, not who we are, but it is a false distinction. We act and choose based on our desires, which are heavily influenced by our values and perception of things. These are what make us who we are, and what we do is an extension of them. We often see ourselves with two sets of desires, “what we want” and “what we want to want” (or aspirations), but again, they are all part of us.
When we split off the things we don’t want to want/do and say they aren’t really us, or should be, we’ve stepped into the fantasy land of denial and shame, respectively. We no longer see things as they are, but how we wish they were.
If we are honest with ourselves, what shame tells us is that something about the past and present failed to meet our expectations. Unfortunately, reality is rather unforgiving. The past and present simply don’t change to meet our expectations, so which one is wrong? Factually, reality wins every time.
Because shame is the result of reality’s intrusion on our expectations, is there any way to defend it’s right to exist? I don’t think so, but let’s try. Let’s say I commit a crime, and the judge says, “You should be ashamed of yourself!” Because I should know better? I did, and it didn’t stop me. Because it was irresponsible? Sure, but it didn’t stop me. Because it hurt someone else? Sure, but it didn’t stop me. These are all things that the speaker believes would have stopped them, and perhaps would have. What’s ironic is when we are both the speaker and the perpetrator. We expected these things to stop ourselves, but they didn’t. So what’s a person to do?
For starters, observe that there is no difference between who/what we are, and who/what we should be. In effect, there is no “should” where the present and past and are concerned. There is only “is” (or was). When we replace our expectations with observation, the byproduct of shame goes away, along with disappointment, and a whole host of other negativity.
For the future, expectations evolve into a combination of strategic actions in the present, and a willingness to accept the limitations of what those actions can bring about.
The hardest part of abolishing shame in my own behavior, though, is what happens when I fail to do so. When I express disappointment over myself or another and tell them they don’t measure up. I have to then accept my own failure as what is, and therefore what should have been. When I accept it, and myself, only then can I turn my failure in to success and prepare myself for the next challenge.
I hope to write a lot more about this in the coming year.